I STILL SMILE

Ive been due for a new post for quiet sometime now. I honestly didn't know what to blog about. And right now? I still don't know what to blog about. But i guess I'll update and see where this leads me to.

Follow-up after follow-up. I'm pretty much a regular now,seeing that i visit every week and sometimes drop by in between to get meds. I'm so regular, that when i walk through the doors they just usher me in. Straight to it..just how i like it. Its no walk in the park people. I hate taking those tests, it hurts my eyes and makes me feel like someones jabbing the back of my eyeballs with a #2 pencil. The pressure tests i take regularly are numbing to me now,i barely move an inch. The technicians are always amazed (esp the ones i haven't met) when they find out im back for my follow-up for glaucoma. They always expect it to be older people that have this problem. And their half right, old people do ten to be candidates of glaucoma but, not all. I'm one of the many cases who get diagnosed with this. Products with cortisone ALL do.

But I'm not gonna drown you with my sorrows. IT COULD BE A LOT WORSE..and I'm not just saying that. It honestly could be...i could be blind right now.Completely. I still have my vision (parts of it..most of it) The light just takes a while to adjust to. But i manage i get through it. I use to worry all the time at first about my eyes,but I'm slowly adjusting.

People who see me (esp my best friends) and know about it cant even tell that i do have it. Its not obviously stated. But if i took off my eye make-up. You'd see it all. How tired my eyes look, the slight bruising under my eyes,the original rash that caused it all.Each morning i wake up and cover the evidence. I start my day and carry on with a smile...

A best friend of mine introduced me to this song. He said it reminded him of me..."SMILE" - Eyedea and Abilities. Just the chorus

I can only build if I tear the walls down
even if it breaks me I wont let it make me frown
I'm falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground
I'll still smile
I can only build if I tear the walls down
even if it breaks me I wont let it make me frown
I'm falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground
I'll still smile

my eyes always look watery now. people easily mistake it as me crying.my bottom lashes are growing into the corner of my eyes. it kind of tickles...hence the waterworks.I've had to cut them back a few times. IT SUCKS..but then i get over it :)

WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST MAAAAAANNNN

I felt like i was neglecting myself. Havent tamed my manes in a while. So i decided to strip my purple streaks and rock basics. I pretty much said "fuck everything proper.." and i went short and messy. Just the way i like it. You'd be amazed how much stares i would get with my purple hair and how i was labeled all gothic because of it. People like to put labels on everything. I'm not a jar in a cupboard people.

Watched one of most funniest ( i know funniest isn't a word..what are you the grammar police? BITE ME ("v-------v") movies that had me thinking about things i haven't thought about it a while..just because...well because i haven't been in a relationship in god knows how long. I honestly could care less. I don't need a man to occupy my time ,much less make me happy. I cant do it all by myself. Sounds so righteous don't it? Yah well it also makes me sound like a pissed off lesbian.Don't categorize me you fruit.

OFF TOPIC



But the movie is "GOING THE DISTANCE" starring real life boyfriend and girlfriend Justin Long and Drew Barrymore. I Wont say anything about IT..other then the fact that its pretty bomb.

TRADING DREAMS FOR A JOB

I got nothing to say or really update you with but i was listening to songs today and this one hit me hard :

"EXHAUSTED LOVE"- Eyedea& Abilities

I'm so goddamn tired, cant tell if I'm done, or just un-inspired
and don't give me that you can be somebody speech

that ain't your place, let me be
I'm an example of a candle lit life
with electric relaxation, brain trampled by devotion
to remote control channel changin
something provoked the whole globe to lower expectations
damn, what's wrong with my generation?
we was the cream of the crop but it seems we've been robbed
that's what happens when you trade in all your dreams for a job
and every day it gets less and less exciting
I would make a difference but I'm busy faking this instead of trying
change my shift from now to never and I'll pretend I'm fine
why am I stuck at the shitty end of the assembly line
I guess I'm built to be intoxicated with hope
sometimes it's a journey, most the time it's just a bad joke
and in my scroll there's a junk drawr I can't organize
the first to come in last to leave we'll never be immortalized
this sort of life is completely overrated, I'm sick of being the
only one I know that's trying to take it
so right now I'm heading home, got sounds of nature for you born in
my headphones and half a bottle of ???
that's the reaction to an overdose of passion
brainless, stagnant...aint it magic

[Verse 2]
I never knew ambition could be so fuckin disgusting


I earn a good comission but it makes me feel so ugly
I'm on some not even knowing I'm an illuminatis just as long
as playin aging doesn't disrupt my funerals progress
I ain't changin for you I'm not reaching for the sky, I would
if you could give me one good reason why I should even try
because after a while this never ending lame game of what's better
could fracture your smiles mainframe forever
it's so fun to be in love..or so I've heard
the meaning has no feeling even though I understand the word
I used to try to make heaven right here on earth but that'll only
happen if you find someone else to do the work
I'll be suprised when my psychosis turns out to keep the driving focus
while I hold the same blurred cloud as burnt out dope heads
so for now my worthless counterwork has found a purpose everytime a
pound of dirt produced I get my frown referbished
two for one specials, if you order show the devils, head swole
running out of petrol but I wont let go of this gas pedal
till I'm settled and they finally ?? me with that sweet blind security
so insecure and messy, mark today the day that dedication died
instead of saying goodbye, I'm staying praying that'll I'll stay alive
because even though I know I hate to love you so much
I got no better place to go, that's why I always show up

The last few lines make me chuckle "i know i hate to love you so much i got no better place to go, thats why i aways show up " such a bittersweet reminiscent memory of a past relationship i don't hope to ever repeat. I'm never going to settle because i feel like that's all there's out there for me.I loved him..but i wasnt in love. I have yet to find that..until then..my heart beats silently.

RUB ONE OUT

Just a few minutes ago my eyes felt like they were on fire, i just wanted to pluck my eyes out and let them sit in a jar of saline to disinfect whatever causing all that itchiness. EVERYTIME i feel like im progressing with my glaucoma something sets me back. Like with the itchiness, feels like the first few days when i just started my treatments. Square one all over again.

Some like to justify my glaucomaness ( no glaucomaness is not word ) due to the fact that i wear makeup. My makeup has nothing to due with it at all. It was caused my the cortisone cream that got into my eye for the course of two weeks. Last i check my makeup lacks the ingredient to cause such an effect.

My mom looked into my eyes a few days ago "your eyes look a little different" i just said i was tired. That was pretty much the end of it, i haven't told them yet. I know i should but i have a lot of other things I'm stressing about currently. I'm already the baby of the family..i don't need to be babied. You may not agree ,but please do respect it

BLACK FRIDAY & WHY I HATE THE HOLIDAYS

AND this is what my face looks like when shiesty people try to shove me on back fridays.(when i use to go ) NOW...I AVOID BLACK FRIDAYS!! its the best yet worst time to do your Christmas shopping .People are the rudest and i refuse to tolerate it. So i avoid it and plus i work on black fridays (most of the times,over the years)

BUT during times around thanksgiving im reminded of whats really important in life. Esp around thanksgiving when your friends always ask "so what do you want for Christmas?" My answers the same every year... NOTHING. Its more of a want then need kind of thing. I don't need it, but i do want it. Two totally different things. Everything i need i have, i don't need anything more than that. Materialistic things only last for so long and don't give me the fill that i long more.

I HATE THE HOLIDAYS..you would too if you were me. The same time around this time of the year a few years ago my frist love of 6yrs (met him in middle school,high school sweetheart..and first yr of college) and i took a break. The break lasted for nearly a month till three days before christmas he tells me "i've been thinking about our relationship and i think we should stay where were at? " In my mind i just kept thinking, wth does that mean! So i questioned him and he says "not together" my heart sank to the pit of my stomach and i was devestated. You ever cried so hard that you couldn't breathe ? And the only breathing you could do was through your mouth? Every time i thought of him i cried. Kept thinking what i did wrong for it to end. I went through months trying to get him back. But his say was final and he gave me no option to say what i wanted to say

2 years and some change later i still hate the holidays. I remember everything about it. What i went through, how i felt as each holiday passed. I use to hate his guts...but now i'm glad that he broke up with me. He did me a favor by doing so. Instead of going no where with him i pushed myself to pursue my own dreams. Ones that didn't revolve around him. I finally felt free again.

HUGE part of the reason why I'm so picky with who i let in my life and who i love. Because i wear my heart on my sleeve and fall deep easily. I'm not a half assed type of girl. If I'm in it i give all of me not just a percentage. I'm the type that cares too much and it shows. I've dated here and there but not really. Nothing ever serious. My excuse is that i never have time. But i believe when the right one comes along..i have all the time in the world :)

RUDE AWAKENING

Woke up this morning to fists pounding my door. Specifically my grandma waking me up to help her. This may sound pretty dick headed but i didn't want to wake up. Hoping it was a dream and that when i would wake it wouldn't be real. But it was very much real this morning,i opened my door almost mad at how persistent she was with that pounding. I investigated to see what was sooooo important she had to wake me. She initially gave me a run down of everything she was feeling and demanded me to do things for her. First thing she requested for was coffee. From the first request i knew she was playing wolf and that's what set it off for me.

OK, go and judge me and say "don't be so mean help your grandma" but I've been doing this for years. Since i was in elementary. Years of ware has broken me down and I've learned to decipher what was important to wake up for. I do this every morning with her,she pounds on my door to wake me up like its an emergency and demands me to take her blood glucose (shes diabetic) and i do agitatedly most mornings half asleep, occasionally stabbing my finger with the instrument they use instead of hers. Her readings are ALWAYS usually in the high end, mostly due to the fact that at night, she has these five course meals each meal loaded up with salty foods. When morning comes her glucose is elevated and has her dizzy and left shaken.

I'm at the point where i just want to rip my hair out and shoot every person that comes by our house to sell my grandma food. Like vegetables ,meat,fish..you name it. She even has people grocery shopping for her at times. Shes sooooo stubborn and never learns. EVERY morning is a rude awakening of her dealing with the consequences of what she feeds her face with.

TODAY of all days THANKGIVING was no different. Same awakening but different some how. She starts screaming and saying how shes dizzy but yet she can walk to the living room screaming and shouting demands at me. BUT today she tells me "call 911 i want the ambulance,i'm not feeling good"

My brother still recovering from his hang over is pissed at the revelation of her request knowing that hed be the one to spend all morning in that emergency room. The ambulance came and when they told her she should go to the emergency room and get tests done. She then told them "oh nvm i dont need to go,i'm just gonna lay down and rest my eyes " i merly laughed at this.

So you can begin to understand why most morning i lecture her and call her bluff. I'm not being a bitch, i do all of this because i care. If i didnt care i'd let her get away with everything. But you have to understand i do it all out of love. She has so much going .Huge reason why i wont tell my family about me. WE already have a lot to deal with every morning when grandma cries wolf. I'll get through it and suffer silently ...call me stubborn..but where do you think i got it from ? EXACTLY

These past few days haven't been the nicest to me. Waking up every morning feels like a battle. I fight to wake up to open my eyes in hope that things have either improved or remained the same. MY BIGGEST FEAR IS WAKING UP IN COMPLETE DARKNESS. Im not being pessimistic, i'm being very open and sharing a fear i have. Fears are never easy to share with people, esp complete strangers. But i am, its in complete relevance to my current situation. Glaucoma,saying it out loud puts a bitter taste in my mouth. You'd figure after days of knowing and taking about it with people would bring acceptance. AND it has actually. Accepting that i have it but not that its the end for me.

But i haven't been alone in my silent struggle attempts to gain my vision. I've had people root for me and people checking up on my status daily. You guys are the bestest to the nth power. I'll love your forever of that :)

A certain some one who shall remain annonymous is respects to that individual, wrote me an email. One that left me in complete and utter shock. I'm still shocked actually. After reading it (several times) it made me feel at peace with myself . It got me to re evaluate everything and remind me that things couldve been a lot worse. I could be completely blind and that a lot (ok not a lot but fair amount) of people have it worse. Of course he didnt say that it could be worse and yada yada...but his situation different but similar to mines. I dont have it as bad as him nor have endured an ounce of what hes gone through to keep his sight.

It blew my mind...

I appreciate everything, this coming from practically a complete stranger whom ive shared a few words with. Saying thank you isn't enough to show you how thankful iam.

On a lighter note...i started drawing/sketching again. Was shopping yesterday with one f my bests Marisha and we happen to come across a store called Super Citizen. I bought a few things, and was about to leave when my best lingered around and debated over a top she considered getting, when i noticed this set of sketching pencils. Something about my demeanor lit up and my inner something told me to get it. I GOT IT..and right when i got home i sketched. My past entry was just mentioning how i kind of gave up for a while because of the bridge i couldn't cross and what i couldn't convey and translate through my art. Things happen for a reason..me walking though that store wasn't coincidence,it was fate. Gave me a part of my life back that went missing for a bit.

Its still rough..but im getting there :)

MY BUSINESS IS TO CREATE

Ever heard a writer describe he drought period as "writers block" i have that itus.Except i call mines a "drawing block." I've been drawing and sketching here and there but never really finishing how i originally envisioned. Like my mind and hands don't see eye to eye anymore. I can see it perfectly in my head..but what comes out is completly different. Like someone else is drawing for me.

WHOMP WHOMP

" where the shadow is deep,there is light"

WHAT DID I SAY..im not very consistent. Don't mean I've been slacking on those drops i drop twice a day tho.Its getting a tad better, my visions pretty much the same and hasn't increased the circumference. People have suggested i smoke weed, arguing its medicinal purposes and it known fact to increase pupil dilation. To be honest, it seems real tempting,anything to help right? Wouldn't you? But then you aint me so i cant expect you to understand how my moral beliefs are compromised in terms of this. Judge me, i could care less. At the end of the day what matters is my health improving.

NEW views are refreshing. Everything heightened and sappily cest to add meaning to things that never meant anything. Till at the tip of my fingertips felt like i was losing it. How i ronic "you don't know what you have..till you lose it." Cliche term that hits too close to home.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE: check out my boys FRANK RAMZ & SHORTMAN SCORE

New new ish that dropped this month. Check it out..listen..

Refreshing spoken word that got that hook that make bop your head in agreement. Whats my favorite track? NINJAH i aint got a favorite track because its THAT good. I've been a fan since the first day i heard them spit something and drop on music monday on twitter. And its been straight love ever since. :)

http://noflyzone.bandcamp.com/

"WHAT I NEED" music video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JThv-ysAVdo&feature=related

ONE STEP AT A TIME

I said i would update this daily but i happen to know for a fact that i wont. But i'll try to update this when i can. These past few days haven't been the easiest. Especially telling people about it, like my best friends. I have yet to tell some of them. Why? Maybe its fear...of telling them and having them accept something i barely have yet to accept for myself. Its not official i can still fight for this.

But for the second i was told about my diagnostic its so cliche to say that it felt like time froze. For me it did and when i came back to reality it felt like "life" slapped me in the face. Everything felt so limited and out of reach. Sitting their motionless as the Dr told me i could loose complete sight within a year or two if not acted on aggressively.

Walking home i began to question everything ,including my faith. Sounds so dramatic you think? But its what happened and i told myself " i don't need a reason to be angry with GOD" I do believe that things do happen for a reason,whether good or bad. But HE wouldn't give me something he knew i couldn't handle. Even though at times we may stumble, HE'd never let us completely fall. My faith is still in tact and I'm never going to question it again.

The amount of tears cried over this "condition" I could have hydrated an entire nation/mini country. But I'm tired..exhausted of thinking. Me crying about it isn't going to take back the fact i have Glaucoma.Yet I mask whats really going down inside with smiles that are hollow in hope that there will always be a better tomorrow.It happened , its happening, i have my good days and my bad but I'm looking on the bright side of things .

I'm eternally grateful for the love and support i have received these past few days .It has given me strength and hope to pull through this.

BTW putting those eye drops in are a bitch and a half. My grandma was diagnosed with Galucoma maybe a year ago and I've taken noticed to the labels. There the exact same ones i use to drop in her eyes for her. When you open your eyes its even blurrier than what it already was. BUT their suppose to help decrease the pressure in my eyes. Feels like weights on my eyes,i constantly look bitchy and tired and I've had people ask if i was alright. I want to scream to them " NOOOOOO NOTHINGS ALL RIGHT!" but i don't , i just stare at them and walk away because they don't know any better.

AND no i haven't told my family about this either .Feels too final if i do. I know i should,but it still hurts just talking about it. I worry about my grandma from the moment i wake up to the seconds where I'm about to knock out and sleep. The last thing i want is to make her worry about me. What I'm going through is so petty in comparison through the constant health struggles shes been battling for years.

But i shall proceed and live my life accordingly. Sure i could get blindsided and hit by a bus while I'm admiring the bright ass sun ( which has actually happened...well almost banged) but i'm not going to worry about that..I'm doing what i can and taking it one day at a time..one step at a time.

SEEING DIFFERENT

I've only told a select few people and with each conversation of me breaking it down has ended up with me in tears. Its never easy to tell people what your going through when at that very moment your barely grasping it.But i decided to document my "journey"

Sooo here it goes..

I have Glaucoma...Glaucoma refers to a group of eye conditions that lead to damage to the optic nerve, the nerve that carries visual information from the eye to the brain.In many cases, damage to the optic nerve is due to increased pressure in the eye, also known as intraocular pressure. The next few paragraphs are just information...scroll down if you don't want to read it :)

Glaucoma is the second most common cause of blindness in the United States. There are four major types of glaucoma:

• Open-angle (chronic) glaucoma
• Angle-closure (acute) glaucoma
• Congenital glaucoma
• Secondary glaucoma

The front part of the eye is filled with a clear fluid called aqueous humor. This fluid is always being made in the back of the eye. It leaves the eye through channels in the front of the eye in an area called the anterior chamber angle, or simply the angle.

Anything that slows or blocks the flow of this fluid out of the eye will cause pressure to build up in the eye. This pressure is called intraocular pressure (IOP). In most cases of glaucoma, this pressure is high and causes damage to the major nerve in the eye, called the optic nerve.

Open-angle (chronic) glaucoma is the most common type of glaucoma.

• The cause is unknown. An increase in eye pressure occurs slowly over time. The pressure pushes on the optic nerve and the retina at the back of the eye
• Open-angle glaucoma tends to run in families. Your risk is higher if you have a parent or grandparent with open-angle glaucoma. People of African descent are at particularly high risk for this disease

Angle-closure (acute) glaucoma occurs when the exit of the aqueous humor fluid is suddenly blocked. This causes a quick, severe, and painful rise in the pressure within the eye (intraocular pressure).

• Angle-closure glaucoma is an emergency. This is very different from open-angle glaucoma, which painlessly and slowly damages vision
• If you have had acute glaucoma in one eye, you are at risk for an attack in the second eye, and your doctor is likely to recommend preventive treatment
• Dilating eye drops and certain medications may trigger an acute glaucoma attack

Congenital glaucoma often runs in families (is hereditary).

• It is present at birth
• It results from the abnormal development of the fluid outflow channels in the eye

Secondary glaucoma is caused by:

• Drugs such as corticosteroids
• Eye diseases such as uveitis
• Systemic diseases

SYMPTOMS

OPEN-ANGLE GLAUCOMA

• Most people have NO symptoms until they begin to lose vision
• Gradual loss of peripheral (side) vision (also called tunnel vision)

ANGLE-CLOSURE GLAUCOMA

• Symptoms may come and go at first, or steadily become worse
• Sudden, severe pain in one eye
• Decreased or cloudy vision
• Nausea and vomiting
• Rainbow-like halos around lights
• Red eye
• Eye feels swollen

CONGENITAL GLAUCOMA

• Symptoms are usually noticed when the child is a few months old
• Cloudiness of the front of the eye
• Enlargement of one eye or both eyes
• Red eye
• Sensitivity to light
• Tearing

Treatment

The goal of treatment is to reduce eye pressure. Depending on the type of glaucoma, this is done using medications or surgery.

Open-angle glaucoma treatment:

Most people with open-angle glaucoma can be treated successfully with eye drops. Most eye drops used today have fewer side effects than those used in the past. You may need more than one type of drop. Some patients may also be treated with pills to lower pressure in the eye. Newer drops and pills are being developed that may protect the optic nerve from glaucoma damage.

Some patients will need other forms of treatment, such as a laser treatment, to help open the fluid outflow channels. This procedure is usually painless. Others may need traditional surgery to open a new outflow channel.

Angle-closure glaucoma treatment:

Acute angle-closure attack is a medical emergency. Blindness will occur in a few days if it is not treated. Drops, pills, and medicine given through a vein (by IV) are used to lower pressure. Some people also need an emergency operation, called an iridotomy. This procedure uses a laser to open a new channel in the iris. The new channel relieves pressure and prevents another attack.

Congenital glaucoma treatment:

This form of glaucoma is almost always treated with surgery to open the outflow channels of the angle. This is done while the patient is asleep and feels no pain (with anesthesia).

WHAT DO I HAVE? I have secondary glaucoma which means i got it from using corticosteroids. Actually a cream that i used around my eye prescribed by my Dr called hydrocortison cream. I got it initially to heal an existing wound on the lip of my bottom eyelid. Little did i know during the duration of applying it for 2 weeks it was building pressure in my eye. And thats pretty much what lead to my condition.

ALOHUURR

Its been a while since I've been on this (December 2009) A lot has happened since, boys have come and gone,my circle of friends grew smaller,wedding in Seattle,work all summer,cousins visited,my niece first birthday,more work, and school just started. Just to sum it up. Of course there are things that happened in between,but i don't care to mention them.It is what it is/was.

I did however get TWITTER!! Twitter.com/ASHLEILOW. Its kind of addicting.I'm on it more than anything else now a days.I'm hardly on facebook ,not my favorite thing to be on.Some days i dint want to see certain things and i just want to filter it.Can you do that? LMK

SINCE ITS MUSIC MONDAY (according to twitter) heres to music :)

Gibberish-Ryan Leslie (cover) AJFLORES on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0EdFyomiXw&feature=related

A Song For Momma-Boys2Men same person covering.This kinda touched me.His Mom is actually crying ;_______;
http://www.youtube.com/user/ajflores

Who Would Have Known-Lily Allen (cover) Lydia Paek.Shes always got amazing vocals.The audio is crappy,but her voice is always on point.Check out her other vids as well
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsFPOFoz9NI&feature=related

THAT'S IT for now.Got to go out and start my day.I refuse to stay in and waste the day.Its a beautiful day out in Hawaii .