I HATE feeling..feelings.

I have unspoken feelings. I don't know what to say or put it in a manner for people to begin to understand the situation I'm in and how I got here. It just is, beginning to explain feels useless. There is nothing you, them nor I can do except stay hopeful and pray these feelings subside. People always say "stay positive." Its easy giving advice when you don't have to take it from someone or yourself. This is where I veer off and keep to myself. I find comfort in my own company. It gives me time to reflect and think about things I try to ignore. Simply because ( I know this might sound a bit silly but..) I don’t have time to feel and go through the emotions I would normally with given situations. I’ve perfected the art of simply “ not giving a fuck” and its taken a toll on me. Because today I give a fuck and I’ve realized the error in my ways. I’ve done things and haven’t been able to hold my end of the bargain after verbally confirming it. I allowed excuses justify my actions and now thinking back on it, its not sitting right with me. I feel guilty, because I fed it and allowed it to grow bigger than I intended. I always keep my word and I say what I mean. The hypocrisy of it all is blinding and nauseating .But series of events have kept me busy enough to act out of my element and owning up to it responsibly. Again, excuses. But it is what it is. In a cliche sense. There’s nothing I can do about it today. Tomorrow is another test of how I’ll deal with it and the consequences to follow after it.

NAWWWWMAAAAANNN

YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH I KNOW

Its been more than a few minutes...hrs maybe. I was never really consistent with it. I guess a apart of me wanted to ignore the on going fact of my "glocs" aka glaucoma. It felt like dead weight trailing after me. I wanted it lifted,so i left it behind and blocked it from view ( as if that's even possible). It wasn't something i could ignore very easily, the clarity of my vision daily is just a reminder of its presence. Plus, its sooooo depressing talking about it. But i am. I haven't talked to friends about it, never brought it up ever. If they asked , i kept it simple, to avoid having to over share or keep nagging about the same thing but different scenario ish business. Its exhausting sometimes, sometimes i have to remind myself to set my alarm just to wake up to keep reg schedules with meds. Its exhausting. There are days where i wanna say "fuck it" and go with out it but then it hits me a few seconds later and i wake up frantic and having the urgency to take them. I never want to take my sight for granted again,I'm blessed to have what i have.

On a lighter note, i've found things to calm me down. I started making bracelets :3. Kind of random ..i know. But i've been making them for friends and what not. Instantly calms me down when I'm in a pickle jam.

ALOHURR.....I've just realized that i post way more interesting ish on my twitter (@ASHLEILOW) then i do anywhere else. For whatever reason..IDK. For example, i never post new post i make on here on my facebook. Why? Because my dads girlfriend follows me. Not literally,but i know she keeps tabs and probably tells my dad ( whom i don't live with) So spare me for wanting to keep on the down low ( not really) Myspace is dead to me, i still go on..just because sometimes and am reminded constantly why i don't. Weird people I've never met before try to contact me and stir up some "connection" NOT HAPPENING. AND TWITTER..well is open domain. It's the only place i actually update my new posts with.

NEWEST PURCHASE:

I dont know its official name and what the kids are calling it now a days. I just call it a finger armor :) Filigry-ish with a diamond finish. I got it from FOREVER21 if you can believe that for $7. I highly recommend it. AND I'm pretty sure it comes in gold too, but with a different design.

OH and the cup is real...plastic. Honest to blog looks like a real paper/coffee cup. IF your on OAHU,snag one at either Walmart($?) of Ross ($4). A little goes a long way.. GO GREEN!

Walking in DownTown i'm instantly INSPIRED by this old mans shirt. I just want to take it apart and make either a top or skirt with it. TRUST ME..its possible to do either

AND here's the example of a shirt turned skirt :) i shouldn't be allowed 50 ft near a boys closet. I will steal your shirts and make skirts! JK nooooo i wont. But it sure is tempting.

SEEING THIS at the bus stop on the WINDWARD side is the creepiest thing i've ever encountered.HANDS DOWN beats are the crazies i've met. I walk by at it says " HI, whats your name?"

HOY!!!

THESE PAST FEW DAYS have certainly served to be truly inspirational. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Partly due to the fact i was letting certain emotions hold me down. For whatever reasons at the time I felt justified them *SHRUGS

BUT MOVING ON :)

I have made a few purchases in the past week in inspiration to a few things

1)MY NEW HAIRCUT (Jessie J inspired/ getting over one of my worst childhood memories..i had the same exact haircut in the 3rd grade "/ didn't like it back then..i love it now:))

LOOK UP her video or copy and paste this link. This song lifted my soul when i felt defeated and kicked to the ground. Shes such an original character
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_pnFhFjNtY

2)MY MOOD...im such a creature of comfort. I dont buy anything out of comfort. One of my pet peeves is girls who wear clothes that don't fit!! I'm sure they make bigger sizes,so buy your size accordingly. NO ONES GONNA SEE THE INSIDE LABEL OF YOUR JEANS. The fact your so concerned with this is beyond me. MUFFIN TOPS aren't cute and you don't want to look like your smuggling them either. OH and i hate clingy fabric. I'm no where near skinny. I'm the most insecure person i know and i don't like anything that hugs me.

3) MAE LUU <3 inspired. Shes been truly uplifting through the days i felt like giving up in defeat. But her words of wisdom carried me through it. I'm grateful to have met her :)




AND BECAUSE PURPLE IS THE NEW BLACK...

BECAUSE I LOVE TO KICK IT :) this is my weakness..shoes. You wouldn't believe me if i told you that this row of em were purchased in the past month alone. IT'S not something i need, but something i wanted.

THESE SHADES...because im shady :) No not really,but they keep my eyes from going out/squinting when the suns at its highest. Believe it or not,these pairs are $10 from Nordstroms. I don't know what brand they are but they always have a whole table worth or shades that go for $10 a piece. Get acquainted and shady.

THESE TROUSERS (once again inspired by Mae Luu) are to die for comfortable to the nth power. I swear to blog that these are the most comfortable. AND YES their kind of high waisted ( for me because I'm short,for a regular person..they'd be..well regular)

OUTFIT BREAKDOWN( from head to toe)

BLAZER (vintage $6.99-i have the maching tube dress it came with..and its cheetah print :)) BLOUSE (old navy $10) TROUSERS( ross $13) PUMPS (walmart $13 miley cyrus/maz azria)

AND THAT IS IT FOLKS..that i can think of..."/

HAPPY EFFIN VALENTINES DAY

Today was a lot harder to swallow then i imagined going into it. Materialistic affection of love threw up in my face this morning. Everywhere i looked love was displayed in every shape and form. Literally nauseating and a low blow to stomach for the hopeful single.

Although i remain single and i bash Valentines day, doesn't mean i never experienced it. Its been a few yrs since I've celebrated. Every one after that I've always had a valentine. But every year I've gained a deeper appreciation and love for myself and how far I've com along since then. Being in my last relationship, i did the worst thing a person could ever do to themselves. I lost myself and enveloped my world around his to cater his needs before mine. Stupid move? Yes...did i regret it? At that time no,but now? Yes. You do the unthinkable when your in love, your self moral judgment is clouded and compromised in the given situation to accommodate another. Every phase is a lesson learned.

But like every story ever told, there's always another behind it. Valentines Day is a reminder of my broken family. Sorry to be the bearer of sad stories but its true. My mom and dad got divorced on this very day. A day 23047032947032847032948093284 people celebrate the subject matter of love. So as you can see,its not my favorite holiday. But even with a chipped heart and a broken family, i still want it all. My heart remains hopeful...HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

LOOKS CAN BE DECIEVEING

WHEN people look at me they always assume things. Thats what people do heavily on rotation on a daily basis is JUDGE other people. Human nature and not something i come into defense to anymore. I've learned over the years, not so much accepting the many titles but simply not giving a shit. Their ignorance is my bliss..keeps them guessing :) .Lets list things shall we

1) Sales representative ( i hate shopping..believe it or not)
JUST because I'm a girl..does not mean i love to shop and do all that girlie stuff society stereotypes as feminine.I know dudes who get way more hyphy then i do on shopping trips
Someone asked me once if i worked at Stussy once..just because i went through a phase where id sport the load of them..in different variations..plain..cut up..embellished..reconstructed you name it. I just had mad love for the brand. I'm sure you have your picks as well.

2)Beautician/makeup artist (gag..i have a hard time doing my own stuff..how in the world am i gonna fix someone else s mug?)

3)Hairstylist ( yah..NO my latest hair style of the month is a manapua bun..i NEVER ever brush it :))

4)Jeweler (on account of the accessories i wear..i love them, but its not a profession I've taken on...YET but id like to in the near future )

5)Artist ( why thank you :) i'll take that...its something i'am for once)

6)Writer (im no where near be a writer,just because I'm out in public at a cafe scribbling doesn't label me as one. PEOPLE do it alll the time..so why do i get it slapped on me? aye?)

7)Fashion design student (this one cracks me up..i don't take fashion seriously, Its fun to wear clothes..of course it is.I sew, i do, but only by hand.I was terrified of the sewing machine at an early age and have yet to attempt it. But i am a dictator of taste)

8)DJ (wtfrenchtoast....this cracks me up big time. I love music and all. BUT not it..i was at Jellies once and had a arm full of recs in my hands, i had a bunch of people asking if i was a DJ because i brought my own portable player and huge ass headphones. ONE their record players been broken for weeks, i knew that prior to my random trips there. TWO i love records,its my thing, i don't have a certain genre that i like .THREE it sounds waaaaaayyy better with my phones then a set of wired ones.Doesn't do it justice. Plus I'm picky on selection)

BUT LITTLE DID YOU KNOW:

My current occupation is a Vet Technician. I do a bunch of lab work and take care/nurse animals . I'm quiet awful at writing, if fact i use to avoid taking English classes. I love to read during my spare time (which is never). I don't consider myself a real artist because i doodle most of them time..anywhere. My first ever job was a patele girl. I made patele and was also a cashier at the one on NSchool st and Gulick. The women i worked with there i love to death. My second job is my current one. Ive been at it for a few years now.I'm obsessed with records,stickers,journals,pens,nail polish, eyeliner,proper conditioner,books,vintage almost everything,art supplies,magazines,chai,jackets,pop rocks,arizone green tea,etc. YOU want to know something? Just ask..i dont bite..hard..jk :)

AS you can see..even at an early age, i was hella muggin for daaaaaayys. I'm on the far left "/

HOMESKILLET

WHAT IT DO!!

Its been a minute, but dont doubt for a second that i forgot. There have been nights where i'd sit at the computer fighting sleep to get my thoughts out and gain clarity ,not wanting to go to sleep with all this woe. But as you can see, those entries never made it and i would end up with whole entries, only deleting them after i wrote what i needed to theraputically. I never meant it for anyone to read,simply because...well just.



GLAUCOMA...whats to say really? It hasn't gone away. I cut the bottom of my lashes weekly,due to the fact that drops i put in my eyes kind of make them grow productively fast . I should complain, but they grown into the corners of my eyes and tickles.They also block my peripheral vision a tad .Majority of the reason why i don't post is because i have no new updates about it, I'm dealing and taking one day at a time. But my life has changed in time...every little thing adds up.


LIKE WHAT? Well the makeup i use is a lot softer.By softer i mean for eyeliner, i cant put that much pressure when applying so i went on a hunt for the softest pencil i could fine.(HIGHLY recommend urban decays line..perfection) Eye makeup remover has to be eye friendly. By eye friendly i mean if i get it into my eyes i wont go blind/make things worse. You'd be surprised how hard finding it was. But i did, i highly recommend soy face cleanser by FRESH. Its all natural, i got it into my eyes a few time and it didn't sting at all,surprisingly.

BACK TO SCHOOL again and reading as proven to be the most difficult of all taks i've been taking on. THIS is suppose to be my thang tho..i love to read,regardless the material at hand. It such a horrible ordeal to sit thorough now and at all costs, i avoid it. I only read when i abso loutly have to. My glasses are useless, they jsut give me pounding headaches after an hr of reading. So option numero twas is a magnifyer. A magnifyer? Its a sheet rather per say and i lay it over the sheet/book and it magnifies it up to 4x. You'd understand if you saw how small the font was, youd swear they made it for ants to read. People in my class..normal people couldnt even read it straight without stumbling on the worlds and re-reading to smooth out any confusion they might've had on round one of reading it. Its a work out for the eyes i tell ya and at the end of it i just find myself closing my eyes shut with an ice pack over my eyes to stop the light thumping that gradually comes in when i read for too long.

THE BEST thing that's happened to me tho during this whole ordeal was a gift i recently received from my boss. It was suppose to be a Christmas gift, in which i received just a few weeks ago. It took my by surprised, i had initially wanted to give it back. It was too grand of a gift to have to receive. But he explained to me why "GOD" felt that this was the right gift for me.He had been presented with an offer from a company that distributes flea and tick products, stating that if he bought a certain amount that they'd give him the free gift. Standing in the hall way of the vet office ,it stopped me in my tracks and made my head cock to one side in confusion. Was he giving me a lifetime of flea and tick products as a Christmas gift ? i thought. It was there that he placed in my hands a NOOK.I was speechless and emotionally triggered to cry silently in utter disbelief. I just cant explain how much this meant to me to have it.If you know me...you know me well enough to know... the written language is my life. Its the sweetest thing i've ever known.That day i had felt so defeated with my eyes, but it gave me hope again...




>>IM GOING TO make a list of all the songs that play duirng each entry from now on :) A lot them are short,i know it seems like im taking forever to write this because each song typically runs from 3-4 minutes. BUT nvm i take that back, i am taking a long time. My eyes are still blurry..but my hands are moving. So excuse my grammar and spelling. I'm not perfect...that's evident.

1)Till it happens to you-Corrine Bailey Ray
2)Heard em' say-Kanye West
3)You got me-The Roots
4)Nastradamus-Nas
5)Flava in ya ear-Craig Mack
6)All falls down-John legend feat Kanye West live
7)If i ruled the world-Lauren hill feat Nas
8)Two wrongs-Wyclef John

BOOK BOOK

I've been trying to sleep for hours now due to working earlier this morning and shopping in the midst of the afternoon. I'm due for some r&r. But i can tell you now, I'm not going to get either. I was originally kept by the pain resting in the lower left part of my jar. Those i confided in concluded "wisdom tooth." I cringed at the possibility due to the fact i loathe the dentist. But i do however love my dentist. He always seems to know how to put my mind at ease through these proceedings. Last time i was in the office i watched Nemo ( I've never watched it, till then).Besides the point.

BUT while waiting for the pain to subside, i read a book. "THE BEAUTIFUL BETWEEN" by Alyssa B. Sheinmel.

When I first picked up The Beautiful Between I had no idea what to expect. The summary didn't give much away, and I didnt read any reviews for it ( like i normally do with new books,to see if their worth my time). I was drawn in from the first few pages by Sheinmel's poignant and emotional writing and I ended up finishing this novel within 3 hrs.


Connelly is a great main character, although at times a bit impulsive. I sometimes couldn't understand her decisions. Connelly was obviously just trying to find her place in the world and Sheinmel really got inside Connelly's head and helped readers get to know who she really was. Connelly was a girl many people could relate to, and I really felt sorry for all she'd been through. I especially loved the fairy tale aspect. Connelly imagined her school as a princess's court, to help her understand everyone and how they functioned. The Prince Charming, someone I was at first wary was going to be the typical popular guy, turned out to be quiet moody and preserved behind masked emotions he kept only for Connelly.

Typically when you read any young adult book,you always expect there to be a brewing love interest between the two main characters. This however, was the complete opposite, which proved to be a but refreshing giving the circumstances.Jeremy was the main reason Connelly was able to find herself. He was an honest and lovable character, and the friendship Sheinmel crafted between him and Connelly was beautiful. Their relationship was well developed. It wasn't rushed or too slow, it was believable. Jeremy helped Connelly understand who she really was, and although he made her make some difficult decisions, everything worked out in the end. This novel proved that not every relationship has to be physical love, but a powerful friendship can be even better. Jeremy had a loving and supportive family, so different from Connelly's own, and one of my favorite characters from the novel was Jeremy's sister, Kate.


Kate was an amazing person. She was inspiring, sweet, and made people wish they could be like her. She wasn't arrogant though, and that made me like her that much more. Kate really proved to both Connelly and the reader how important it is to spend time with your family and friends and to cherish the time you have with them.


Connelly had no relationship with her mother, who had disappeared into a shell when her father died when Connelly was two. I loved watching their relationship grow and develop as the story went on, and the worst part was, another terrible tragedy had to occur to bring them back together.


Alyssa B. Sheinmel is a powerful and emotional writer. She has a great sense of knowing the perfect words to use and I would probably read anything she wrote, even if I hated the plot, just for the writing. The plot itself was definitely unique and beautiful as well, this was overall a terrific debut that many readers will cherish. While there were some flaws, I overall really enjoyed this and can't wait for Sheinmel's next release!