I HATE feeling..feelings.

I have unspoken feelings. I don't know what to say or put it in a manner for people to begin to understand the situation I'm in and how I got here. It just is, beginning to explain feels useless. There is nothing you, them nor I can do except stay hopeful and pray these feelings subside. People always say "stay positive." Its easy giving advice when you don't have to take it from someone or yourself. This is where I veer off and keep to myself. I find comfort in my own company. It gives me time to reflect and think about things I try to ignore. Simply because ( I know this might sound a bit silly but..) I don’t have time to feel and go through the emotions I would normally with given situations. I’ve perfected the art of simply “ not giving a fuck” and its taken a toll on me. Because today I give a fuck and I’ve realized the error in my ways. I’ve done things and haven’t been able to hold my end of the bargain after verbally confirming it. I allowed excuses justify my actions and now thinking back on it, its not sitting right with me. I feel guilty, because I fed it and allowed it to grow bigger than I intended. I always keep my word and I say what I mean. The hypocrisy of it all is blinding and nauseating .But series of events have kept me busy enough to act out of my element and owning up to it responsibly. Again, excuses. But it is what it is. In a cliche sense. There’s nothing I can do about it today. Tomorrow is another test of how I’ll deal with it and the consequences to follow after it.